Hearing someone’s words and truly understanding their experience are two very different things and the gap between them is where most relationships quietly break down.
You can repeat back exactly what someone said and still completely miss what they meant. Being heard is about sound being understood is about connection. And that distinction changes everything in a relationship.
Most people listen to respond, not to understand.
While the other person is talking, we’re already preparing our reply, our defence, or our advice. In doing so, we skip over the most important part the emotion beneath the words.
Think about the last time you felt truly understood. Not just listened to but genuinely seen. It probably felt rare. That’s because real understanding requires something most of us were never taught: emotional presence.
What emotional presence actually means.
It means setting down your own agenda for a moment. Not thinking about what you’ll say next. Not deciding whether you agree or disagree. Just being fully with the other person in what they’re experiencing.
It means asking yourself: What is this person actually feeling right now? What do they need from me in this moment solutions, or simply to feel less alone?
More often than not, the answer is the latter.
Why we struggle with this.
We jump to fixing because sitting with someone’s pain feels uncomfortable. We offer advice because we want to help. We redirect because we don’t know how to hold space for emotions that feel big or unresolved.
But when someone shares something vulnerable and receives a solution instead of understanding, the message they receive unintentionally is: your feelings are a problem to be solved, not an experience worth acknowledging.
Over time, that message closes people down.
How to close the gap.
- Slow down. Resist the urge to fill silence immediately.
- Reflect feelings, not just facts. “It sounds like that was really painful” lands differently than “so what happened next?”
- Ask before advising. “Do you need me to listen or do you want my thoughts?” is one of the most connecting questions you can ask.
- Stay curious. Understanding someone is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
This is a skill — and it can be developed.
True understanding doesn’t come naturally to most of us. It requires intention, practice, and often the willingness to examine how we ourselves learned to communicate.
At Makarios, this is some of the most transformative work we do because when people finally feel understood, everything in their relationships begins to shift.